My Hospital Birth - Revisiting One of the BEST Days of my Life
The decision to bring my son to earthside in the hospital was not an easy one to make. I am quickly realizing that this is a big decision for everyone.
For me, it came surrounded by guilt and fear of what others might think..
Does it mean I’m not brave as the instagram post so openly shares that you are when you have a home birth…
Does it mean that I will be in danger, as I so often see when reading about a hospital birth…
Will I regret the way I bring my son to this world if I don’t do it the way the influencer says I should…
I had to spend so much time quieting my mind, from my family, my friends, the online world…
I had to hear my own voice for once, and connect with the voice from my son who was growing inside me.
And we did. And we made the decision that was best for us, but I’ve gotten so much shame about it afterwards.
Most specifically, the community I work with.
You see, there seems to be a “spectrum” of sorts when it comes to birth. You are either be an advocate for home birth, birth center birth or you advocate for hospital birth.
You either formula feed or you breastfeed.
If you have or advocate for hospital birth you are not “crunchy” enough.
If you have or advocate for a home/birth center birth you are too “medical.”
But what about the middle? There HAS to be a middle. I know I can’t be the only one stuck in the middle…
I’m going to share some of the thoughts that went through my mind, and the things that were a part of making this decision for me and our family.
Please remember that I am human. I’m one who supports ALL birth experiences, even free birth, as long as the mother feels heard with her decisions.
I deserve to feel and be heard too, there is no need for the shame that happens due to making a choice for your family.
The amount of tears I have shed from comments or from my own negative self talk has been awful and eye opening at the same time. I’m letting myself be sad about it.
So I chose to write about it. For the mother reading this and who feels the same.
You see - I’ve always known I wanted to give birth in a hospital. I’ve always seen that as the way it was going to be for me.
I did process whether that was a narrative from my childhood, and my family, the experiences I heard about and saw growing up.
Was it because that’s what I saw as “normal”
But it wasn’t. It was a gut feeling. Just something my intuition told me, “be near a medical team.”
Now, with that said, I’ve always known I also wanted to be in charge of every step of my experience.
MY voice is the one that deserved to be heard for this journey.
Let me clarify:
Yes. There are more interventions in a hospital.
Yes. There are maternal deaths in hospitals.
Yes. Black maternal care is awful in hospitals.
Yes. it MIGHT be more expensive to give birth in a hospital.
But
NO. It does not make you less than to make a choice on where you are comfortable birthing.
NO. It does not have to be traumatic.
NO. Choosing a hospital birth does not mean you will automatically have an epidural and a cesarean.
I’ve realized that being in the community that I am in, has left me feeling shame for my choices.
Mom guilt - pregnancy guilt - whatever.
I’ve always struggled with caring too much about what others think of me. I’ve always given too much weight to other people and their insight.
Motherhood has forced me to stop scrolling - stop listening to anyone other than me - and truly choose and make decisions based on My gut instinct.
At one point:
Was I considering a home birth or a birth center? Yes. Of course. I wanted to be seen as a badass mother. I wanted to be seen as strong and powerful. I wanted a sense of calm post birth like I had seen. I find the thought of birthing at home to be such an incredible experience. The fact that you can stay in your own bed with your new baby? AMAZING.
The videos I see of the joy, the pure happiness, the water birth, the tub… would bring me so much peace. Knowing that was possible, knowing that’s how we have brought generations to the world before us.
Was I looking into it, asking questions, doing my own research? Yes. I am a highly informed person when it comes to anything about my health or my son. I’ve experienced medical trauma in the past, and I did NOT want to bring my son into trauma. So, of course I considered the negative sides as well.
There is a lot of education to be done on how to advocate for the birth you desire, no matter where it is.
The honest truth is: it’s YOUR body. Stand up for what YOU want.
You don’t want cervical checks? Me either. I had a hospital birth.
You want to have your baby first immediately post birth, no bath, no procedures? SAME. I had a hospital birth.
As a birthing professional, we HAVE to do better at actually teaching self advocacy vs projecting our own opinions and biases onto our clients.
What I want you to understand is: do NOT assume that I made this choice because anyone else pushed me into, made me feel I had to, or anything of that sort.
I literally made the decision based on my instincts, so many conversations with my spouse, and my baby who was the one being brought into this world.
So WHY did we choose a hospital birth?
I see clients EVERYDAY who have the most magical home/birth center experiences.
I see clients who have traumatic experiences in hospitals.
But I also see clients with incredible hospital births and traumatic home births.
I’ve supported free births (no medical interventions at all).
I’ve supported them all.
They are ALL beautiful, incredible, and such a wonderful story I LOVE having the opportunity to hold space for.
I see wonderful and magical hospital birth experiences… but nobody talks about them because it’s made to feel like a shameful thing to talk about.
Make sure as you read through this information, you remember:
It is YOUR choice. Make whatever choice YOU feel is best.
Do NOT let anything or anyone change that decision for you.
With that said, here are the things that we considered when we were deciding where to birth:
My history of trauma.
I have been sexually assaulted. I’ve shared this story so many times. This has left me with a HUGE mistrust of males that are in power, or being alone with men. This has contributed to pelvic floor dysfunction in the form of urinary incontinence, painful sex, vaginismus, and more. I have PTSD and flashbacks with pelvic exams. I have panic attacks post intercourse sometimes depending on the surrounding environment.
My missing organ.
I do not have a thyroid. They removed it due to Grave’s disease at the age of 17. Does this put me at risk of anything? Not necessarily. But I did have anxiety around how I would respond to certain changes in temperature, medication post birth (I’m required to take a pill everyday to live). A VERY small risk of the baby having thyroid problems post birth. Because I had Grave’s disease, my antibodies could pass to the baby, which could be fatal post birth to a newborn. I had more risk of other issues due to not knowing the stability of the functioning of the medication in place of the organ.
Blood pressure and blood sugar variations throughout pregnancy.
2nd and 3rd trimester, my blood pressure would fluctuate. I had more bouts of low blood pressure than high, but low blood pressure can also cause issues for a newborn baby if it’s chronic or consistent. When I would have high blood pressure bouts, that increases risks of things like pre-eclampsia and other placenta issues. Ultimately, my blood pressure was not exactly within normal ranges in my third trimester. I was placed at high risk (see below) for other reasons, but this just added to it.
I wore a continuous blood glucose monitor for most of my pregnancy. I had significant sugar drops throughout pregnancy.
I failed my gestational diabetes 1 hr test, passed the 3 hr test.
My husband’s concerns.
My husband is not a medical professional. In fact, he knows very little about medicine. The questions he was asking were tailored around my safety, and what if this happened… What if we did have preeclampsia? What if something was wrong. What if his heart beat did plummet? What if our dog freaked out and couldn’t manage pain if we gave birth at home. There are so many valid concerns in his voiced concerns that we sat down many times and worked through them all.
We processed WHY he felt the hospital was the SAFEST space. Not always correct.
We discussed what a home birth might look like for us. WHY did he feel that was scary.
Why did he feel my service dog (she is for my PTSD and panic disorder) would have more anxiety when I birthed? Was it because of both of us being afraid of a panic attack?
My comfort level.
Was I comfortable being with my spouse and a few other people to care for me and my new son at home without close medical attention if needed based on what I know about myself?
Was I feeling comfortable considering a hospital birth and being surrounded by medical professionals?
What did I want?
High Risk.
I had a red flag from the beginning due to 2 miscarriages and fertility issues, as well as not having a thyroid. This did NOT mean I would not have been accepted for a home birth or birth center. It meant I had an increased risk of miscarriage, still born, etc . I took this into consideration as I was making my decision.
Cost.
For us, our health insurance is PRICEY because we are both self employed. I did not have health insurance until 2nd trimester, everything up to that point I paid out of pocket for. When comparing costs, a home birth/birth center was going to cost around the same as a hospital for me. My out of pocket max was 8k, and that is close to what a home birth and newborn care would have cost me.
We considered that the majority of home/birth centers require an upfront payment (as they should) but that is not refundable should you have to be transferred to a hospital. Meaning, we would be responsible for 2 bills, not just the one if something happened.
I understand this is different with each provider and practice. This was just my experience.
Obviously that is a “quick list” of the things we processed and talked about. But those were the main things we had on our list of considerations when deciding where to give birth.
When we made the decision, I remember feeling shy and ashamed to share it with my team. With my friends. With my community. I actually dealt with so much depression and anxiety around sharing my “birth plan.”
Because how would that make a Holistic Pelvic Floor PT look? To birth in a hospital?
Wouldn’t that automatically take me out of the “crunchy” culture? Or put me in the “she will push you to this decision” category?
I often had clients say things like “you’re having a home birth right?”
Like if I wasn’t they would leave.
I found myself fearing losing clients and referral partners (which I have) due to making the decision that was best for us.
I found myself second guessing everything that my intuition was telling me.
My intuition was telling me that I knew the group of midwives and I knew the hospital and its reputation… I knew the rates and the rate of intervention. I knew what to avoid.. I knew what to ask for.
I made each appointment during pregnancy with a different provider. I made sure I met ALL midwives and ALL OB’s that could potentially be present at my birth.
I made sure my husband knew EXACTLY what I wished for and what I wanted.
I made sure my doula (yes I had a doula for a hospital birth - another topic I think is not discussed enough) was aware of everything I was hoping for as well.
I found myself finally at peace at my 39 week appointment, with the last midwife I had to meet. And thank goodness, because he was born the next day.
Some of the things I did to confirm I advocated for myself:
Met EVERYONE that I could and made sure I had a list of people I did NOT want in the birth space. And to make sure I would be comfortable with anyone who was on call.
Wrote my birth intentions down and brought them to EVERY appointment with me and made sure EVERYONE knew what I wanted.
Had my husband have every one of them written down on his phone for when we went to the hospital AND a written list in our hospital bag.
Made it VERY clear nobody will be taking my baby post birth as soon as we arrive to triage.
Made it VERY clear to not even mention medication (which we arrived too late for it anyways at 9 cm and fully effaced).
Made it VERY clear NOBODY can touch me without my permission other than my husband and my doula.
I did not have cervical checks throughout pregnancy and made that clear.
I did not want my water broken from an outside source unless myself and my doula thought it was absolutely necessary and could help move things along (which it did).
From the time my husband checked me into the hospital, we were in and had Bryce within 4 hours. I wanted to be there for as little time as I could.
All of my wishes were honored. Was that because of who I am? I can’t help but think that is part of it.
Which leads me to wanting to advocate for better for my clients who have not had positive experiences.
Instead of bashing all hospital births, what are we doing to change the narrative? For those who want or need a hospital birth - how can we make it better?
Noone did anything unless they asked me first. Nobody touched me or put on a monitor without asking me. Nobody forced me into a hospital robe. I wasn’t told I could not move.
In fact, the midwive didn’t touch me at all until post birth. She only guided Bryce’s head a little to get his shoulder out and then was in my arms.
For me, this was so beautiful.
I’m currently crying thinking back to how I felt holding my son. How I felt looking out at the water. How I felt in a complete state of euphoria.
However - obviously I’ve received some tough comments to swallow.
Negative comments I’ve gotten about my birth story since sharing it and why I disagree:
You would not have prolapse if you birthed at home because you wouldn’t have struggled pushing him out.
I did push for 45 minutes. But that was because I had a panic attack and flashbacks from my sexual trauma as Bryce’s head came out. I did stall my own progression at that moment.
I do believe my husband would have increased in anxiety had we been home vs having a midwife on standby and a nurse in the room to assist when needed.
Prolapse is not caused by birth alone. There are many factors that go into this. For my long history of constipation, bearing down, heavy lifting, it is something I had been suspecting for a while.
It would have been faster if you were at home.
From beginning of labor to end, I had a 12 ½ hour day of labor and birth. I’m happy with that. Active labor was about 4 hours. I do believe that would have been the same, maybe a little shorter if we did not have to get in the car (that was the hardest part).
You would not have had perineal tears because you would have been calmer at home.
I don’t believe I tore due to not being calm. Based on my expertise, I tore because of the position I was in and the initial resistance from my flashback to his head coming out. They were not severe tears, just minimal stitching, however deep tearing. I treat this a lot and it’s so important we do not make clients feel that tearing is to be feared. It heals.
I do wish I were sat up or inclined a little more. The actual process of stitching took a very long time BUT I’m grateful they took their time, as they were close to my clitoris and I have all of my sensation back. If left to heal or a quicker stitch job, I may not be fully feeling.
They did call in a specialist for the stitches which I’m glad we had access for. Again, my body made room for Bryce to come out. I’m so glad it was able to.
You wouldn’t have hemorrhaged at home.
I actually think the hemorrhage would have happened wherever I was. I lost a lot of fluid, I lost a lot of blood. I labored in an upright and pushed in a side lying position, I did move to nurse post birth. Birthing in the hospital is not what caused me to hemorrhage. The location is not what causes a hemorrhage. My body hemorrhaged to rid of the excess blood and placenta etc that was there post birth. I don’t believe there would have been a difference here HOWEVER I would have been transferred had this happened at home, leaving me without my son and with my husband in distress.
There MAY have been less bleeding or likelihood of a hemorrhage had I been upright vs supine for stitching. But they needed to be able to see exactly what they were doing.
Women were made to birth, and they were made to birth in the sacred space that is their home. You chose to go the medical route and that’s why you have all these emotions.
Home is sacred, yes. I don’t think the hospital is sacred. But the space we had for our birth became sacred.
Yes women are made to give birth. That includes birthing anywhere they please.
I don’t have problems or pelvic floor dysfunction because I chose to give birth in a hospital.
I chose a hospital and had no interventions or medications.
Your home is more comfortable. I’m surprised you chose a hospital birth to be interrupted and things.
In our postpartum suite we were not interrupted. We asked for privacy and we got it. My husband shot down anything unnecessary.
We did not have many people bring us food postpartum actually, so it was helpful having the nurses help me shower, go to the bathroom, feed me, etc.
My birth experience was at a hospital with a doula, a team of midwives, and my spouse. And it was wonderful.
The thing is, I arrived at the hospital ready to push. How?
I learned and listened to my body so I knew not to go too early. I just did not want to be in the hospital before birth for a long time.
I got there and I asked to be told how far along I am because I wanted to know if I were going to be going back home vs staying, and I was 9 cm and fully effaced.
No wonder I felt the need to push.
Right after that, I was wheeled into the labor and delivery room, and I was alone with my husband. 1 nurse was there after setting up the space, lights were not bright and turned down, I had a water view and a window, my music was playing, my doula and husband were there, my doula was giving me snacks and ice (yes I ate while in active labor, I was so hungry).
It honestly was everything I had ever dreamed of.
Immediately after birth, my son did not cry or scream. To the point of concern. I am so so so thankful this gentle and beautiful nurse helped me get his lungs cleared.
I was so so so glad they helped clean up underneath me so my husband could sit on the bed with me, and I didn’t need to worry about sheets or the bed or the dog.
I feel so ashamed, and so so so judged for the choice I made. But I do know deep down it was the absolute best choice for myself and my son.
I worry about how this written piece might be perceived, but I’m writing it from my heart. From my soul.
The truth is: I needed space held for me, but I felt like I was left in the trenches by many because they didn't agree with how I chose to have my experience.
My heart breaks for those with plans to have their magical dream birth, but it ended differently.
My birth was what I wanted, and I honestly wouldn’t change a thing other than not caring what anyone else thinks.
I want you to know that no matter what choice you make, you are strong and beautiful and your experience gets to be yours.
Even if it takes a different course. You still get to have that experience. Nobody else is in your shoes.
Nobody knows the full extent of these decisions, nobody understands what happens behind the scenes for so many of us.
All birthing persons deserve space to make choices they desire and to be supported in it.
Love,
Dr. Kaylee
